Why reluctant.

I never set out to become a nurse manager. I loved coming in working my shifts and leaving it all there. It was perfect.

Then my husband decided he would be happier not married anymore. It didn't matter what I thought or about our boys. It was about him. And, really, now, I can't blame him. It has taken me four years to say that though.

So, I found myself a single mom of four boys with a week-end nights position. Would have been fine if I had any support around. Alas, my parents live across the nation. My in-laws helped me out after the ex decided he didn't want to keep the boys every weekend like he first said he would. Besides, he was living somewhere where I would not let the boys go stay and every time he left the house again it felt like he was leaving all over again. Wouldn't want him to have any guilt.

Instead, my in-laws would drive an hour twenty minutes on Saturday to pick the boys up after their soccer games, then take them home with them. Sunday, the boys would go to church with them (they taught Sunday School) and then drive back here. They would spend the night Sunday and I would rush home Monday mornings to take the boys to school.

This went on for four or five weeks. This was much less than ideal and I had to figure out a way for me to take care of my children on my own. Logically, that would be to work a day shift job. I started looking for a position that I could go in at eight so I could take the boys to school. The boys go to private school and I didn't want to take them out. So much of their lives was changing and I didn't want that to change.

I couldn't find one. There was an opening on day shift in ICU (I was in CCU at the time). It was 7 to 3 Monday - Friday. I found a daycare that I could drop the boys at in morning (6:15) that would take them to school and pick them up. We did this for over a year. It wasn't ideal either but was better than my in-laws making so many trips back and forth. I can't even imagine them doing it now with the cost of gasoline.

This was not a permanent solution. When my oldest turned 13 he would be too old to go there any more. I always had my eye out for something different. I did interview for a job in radiation oncology. It would have been cush. More like an office job than bedside nursing. Unfortunately, they went with some RN with oncology experience instead of me with critical care experience x8 years. I heard she was not very motivated. Their loss.

About a year and half after going to day shift, our charge nurse died. It was very sad and heartbreaking. I decided to apply for her position. Our nurse manager came out in the unit (something she didn't do very often) and told me I got it. I remember thinking, "What have I done."

That was in June. In August, there were rumors that our nurse manager had applied to education. I asked her if it was true. She used some of that manager double speak and said that if she ever was going to leave, I would be the first one she told. Later that week, I got a phone call at home. She was accepting a position in education. For the next couple of months I did charge and made out the schedules and what ever else that came up that needed to done that director asked me to do. I toyed with the idea of applying, but who would want to do that job!

I was working the weekends I didn't have my boys (The ex had gotten his own place and now took the boys every other weekend, but was not helping me to pay for their private school. I have since gotten that taken care of when our divorce became final). I would work five 8's, two 12's and then five more 8's. I would two days off and start all over again. I was wearing myself out. It was one Sunday after 3 pm and I was in the med room doing something. A nurse had floated down from COU to help us out. He was talking about the program he was in for NP and telling me how I could do it too. I stopped right there, listening to him, and decided I couldn't go on like this. I needed to do something else. I would be a broken down nurse by the time my youngest graduated (he was in kindergarten at the time). I really couldn't go back to school. I was already "in" four different grades. I saw the nurse manager position as my out so to say. I could take the boys to school. No more getting up at 5:30 for them. I could leave in the middle of the day for dentist appointments or class parties. There were some perks to the job. And, I squeeze those perks hard.

I applied. That must have been in mid September or early October. By Thanksgiving, I had the job nearly two years after I started looking for something that would allow me to take my boys to school. I was still in critical care.( When I was looking for something else, the thought of leaving critical care was very sad to me. I love it.) I try to be a nurse advocate and not forget where I came. ( I worked a 12 hour night shift back in June because we were horribly short. I hadn't forgotten anything, but I was slow.) I like to think of myself as passionate. Where as others think I am difficult to work with. We just have different end points we are trying to achieve

Long post. Sorry. But, that is how I became a relctant nurse manager. I never wanted to be one, but here I am.